World, why are there bed bugs?

Leggy and regal, the spider reigns supreme as Halloween garnish.

Disclaimer: I do not have bed bugs…but I know people who do!

Though leery of spiders, my concern is one forged of admiration. Eating mosquitoes, spinning real stunners, inspiring decor for Halloween cupcake toppers — spiders serve you well, World.

Bed bugs are bums. Unless an entomologist can enlighten this issue, bed bugs provide no benefit to you, World. I HOPE they are a diet staple for cuddly creatures somewhere, or that they productively graze upon the dust mite population, but my fear is that bed bugs are simply the worst, much like Uggs and car freshener.

Allow me to make my point in the most articulate way possible. Picture a plastic bed bug ring atop your Halloween cupcake. Just writing this makes me want to vomit. World, there is no way around this one. You screwed up with bed bugs, and everyone is either miserable because of them or terrified by the prospect.

If a bed bug undetectably boards the rocket ship we all take to Mars, there is probably no point in recolonizing.

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